Tag Archives: abandonment

HOLDING YOUR SHADOW

HOLDING YOUR SHADOW

The sunshine has left
My days have turned to night.
I try to accept you’re gone
But it doesn’t feel right.
I wish I had known the truth
Right from the start.
I still hold your shadow
Instead of your heart.

But a shadow doesn’t breathe
And shadows cannot kiss.
Shadows can’t love me back
When I’m hurting like this.

I thought that I had found it
The love I wanted all along.
I felt that we were perfect
And nothing would go wrong.
I let myself feel hopeful
That this was the best part.
Now I hold your shadow
Instead of your heart.

But a shadow can’t hold me
When I’m alone in the night.
Shadows are just memories
That did not turn out right.

I walk past places we went
Back went when we first met.
It only makes it harder
For me to heal and forget.
Sometimes it’s a melody
Or the aroma of a bloom
That we enjoyed together
In our own cozy room.

Still a shadow is all I have
And that’s the painful part.
I still hold your shadow
Instead of your heart.

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YOU DIDN’T TEACH ME

you didnt teach me

You didn’t teach me
How to succeed without ambition
How to live without approval
How to survive in this condition
How to hold my head up high
How to run when I could barely walk
How to value the me others hate
How to survive all the painful talk.

You didn’t teach me
How to keep my heart healthy and whole
How to tell the truth hidden in lies
How to find the spark inside my soul
How to be proud listening to taunts
How to look upon hatred as sickness
How to sing songs of praise of others
How to selflessly, and lovingly bear witness.

You didn’t teach me
How to value the people who love me as me
How to enjoy people of a different color
How to appreciate all the different nationalities
How to bounce back from the blows of life
How to learn from the work any that I do
How to love my life and cherish all of it,
Because loving me never came from you.

CONUNDRUM

CONUNDRUM BW

They had it upside down
The called the sky the ground
And tried to make me believe it.
There was nothing to relieve it.
It was unremitting delusion
And they called it illusion
When as hard as I would try
To agree, it was still a lie
And living a lie can kill
As it too often will.

To whom do you turn to trust
When something inside you is busted,
Something that makes you tick
Keeps you from getting sick
And works better than dope
To help you feel hope
Instead of bleak view
That ends with destruction
Of you.

Sweltering and suffocating
Feeling like I’m smothering
Something is deadly wrong
With this kind of mothering,
Fathering, something awry.
Something that should not be
Turning into something else;
Something that is fatal to me

What do you do when they say
What is wrong is right, up is down,
And nothing is funny, so nobody
Is just kind of joking around.
Instead they are serious
And life is mysterious
But not in a good way;
What can you say?

STILL GONE

STILL GONE

Just when I start to thinking
I am finally moving on
I look around and discover
You’re still gone.
I’m finding out how many
Hours until each dawn
By counting my own tears
Since you’re gone.

I tell myself to grow up
And then I want to throw up.
I feel like something died
And it’s right here inside.

I’m not making plans at all
I’m an ineffective pawn
To fate and all her harpies
On a limb halfway sawn.
I brought all this on myself,
I lie awake and I yawn
And hope when I wake up
I’ll find you’re not gone.

My life feels like it’s over
Like I’ll never have another
Chance to be in love like this
That yours was my last kiss.

Just when I start to thinking
I am finally moving on
I look around and discover
You’re still gone.
I’m finding out how many
Hours until each dawn
By counting my own tears
Since you’re gone.

(Image from: www.johncboland.com)

 

CHANGELING

CHANGELING

Pitiful child, born by chance
Into a house that was haunted.
Quite the shock and surprise;
Ghost of Christmas Child Unwanted.
There he was with all his need
The wreck of so many plans
Of weekends movies and bars.
Too much for Mom to understand.

Pretend for the neighbors, then
Because that’s why you wed.
It was better to be pregnant.
Seen as gay? Worse than dead.
Or seen as weird, crazy, strange
Or in any other way un-weddable
Was something horrifying to them
And sure to turn out regrettable.

Pitiful child, grew up in the way.
Nothing to hope for at end of day.
Food, shelter, clothing, and told
That’s all kid is entitled to anyway.
None of this mollycoddling;
Nothing more, no true nurture.
What else could come about
But a dismal hope for the future?

It’s all about the relationship
Between the kid’s Mom and Dad
And anything that draws focus
Means the kid is being bad.
So, beat the kid again, slap him
Make him go without his meal.
Make him understand that rage
Is something expected and real.

Pitiful child, has no more trust
That the world will ever relent
And make a place for him to be
Until fires of hell are all spent.
Armageddon itself can come
And he knows that his parents
Will still be there to point out
It’s because he is totally errant.